The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 5

Here’s all you need to know about the end of this episode, from my running notes:


(Okay, I make a lot of typos while I’m trying to take notes and simultaneously livetweet. That should say TBC). But we’ll come back to that.

Johnnie Walker sure is getting their money’s worth in product placement this season. Given Matty’s a marketing dude I do wonder if maybe he’s just a fan and he suggested a sponsorship so he’d get plenty of opportunities to drink it. The sweetest #sponcon of all. After prominent placement in his post-horse-washing chat with Cobie last week, here it is again, pulled from Osher’s nether regions to offer some ‘Dutch courage’ to this week’s single date recipient – Florence
(there was some speculation as to who would be going in the date, given the Scotch. Someone Scottish? Jen: ‘I’m Scottish!’. No you’re not, you’re from Albion Park. Probably Albion Park Rail #nicheillawarrajokes)

Matty whisks Florence away to exotic Homebush, where they shall rappel (which appears to mean ‘jump’ in this context) down the side of a 26 story building.

Florence is not-at-all-lowkey not in to this whole idea.

Despite her to-camera protestations – ‘Am I really jumping off this building? Is it worth it?’ and the realisation that maybe she should just ‘Go back to Melbourne and live your life’, Matty weighs in with some philosophy: ‘Jumping off the side of a building is a lot like falling in love – you just have to….give in to it’

If I were to think of my metaphor for falling in love it’d be a bit more like this:


Nonetheless, his speech seems to do the trick and they jump off without causing any grief for Channel Ten’s insurers.

The only thing you need to know about the next part of the date is that it involves plaster and tragically is not at Plaster Funhouse. Also the moment they get stuck taking a mould of their clasped hands provides great joy for screencappers everywhere:


During their one-on-one chat he is mostly keen to interrogate her about her plans to stay in Australia, as she’s only been in the country for 5 months. He tells her ‘Very well answered’ when she says she’s happy to permanently abandon her siblings, because he’s very family-oriented, y’see. They have a little flirt and a nice pash.

Back at the house, everyone screams and claps when she comes back with a rose in hand and shares that they had a kiss. It’s kinda weird that they’re so excited. Tell you who’s pasting on that grin though? Cobie. This is the only other kiss he’s had (to her knowledge).

Seriously though, bit worried about Cobie. She knows it’s silly but she ain’t reining in that jealousy at all.

The next day (or, whenever, in Bachie Time), Jen wants us to know she was baking brownies because she’s a very caring person. And so relatable. More likely she knew Osher was coming round and was aware of the age-old wisdom that you should always have something in the oven when a boy comes over.
Everyone flips shit because it’s a Thunderdome Date aka two women enter, one woman leaves. We have one every season. Jen is mortally offended when Liz suggests she may be on the date: ‘Way to throw me under the bus, babe!’. Jen, Liz has no control over what names are on the card. Anyway it’s Jen and Liz. Leah thinks Jen fakes getting emotional here, to manipulate the other ladies, but I’m pretty sure it’s just because she’s butthurt. Anyway, in her own words ‘Liz doesn’t matter to me, she’s not a blip on my radar. Let the best woman win’.

Spoiler alert, she doesn’t.

A series of awkward events ensues, as Liz and Jen enjoy a car ride to go meet Matty at a creepy abandoned barn in the middle of nowhere. I feel like there could be a great twist here with Matty being a serial killer and it is literally a ‘who survives the night’ test, but unfortunately no-one dies. Everyone considers dying of embarrassment when Matty asks each lady the other’s best and worst qualities, but it’s generally pretty civil (Liz likes Jen’s dirty humour but thinks she’s quick to judge, Jen likes Liz’s quick wit but thinks she’s abrasive).

In solo chats, Jen chucks a Pig Catcher and creates the impression that she is showing Matty her softer side, talking about how she can’t wait to wake up next to the person she loves, but we know this is fake as hell. It’s weird how much she believes it though. She actually says to camera that she believes she has a better heart than Liz.
This idiot Matty seems to fall for this crap just like he did with Leah. ‘Right now Jen is an open book. There is that deeper part of her personality’. I gotta say if he is really that dumb then he does not deserve my perfect cinnamon roll Tara.

And honestly, if I wasn’t going off on him enough from that, the conversation with Liz is enough to put me off permanently. Why is he such a creep about having babies? He is in full-on Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction territory, and that did not end well. Neither for Glenn nor for that poor bunny.
I’ve got to admire Liz here for staying true to herself. Someone as manipulative as Jen, when asked about her desire to start a family, would have said whatever Matty wanted her to hear. Liz just told him the truth. While I don’t want kids (don’t @ me, I’m sure your kid is great), Liz’s views on having my kids lined up with my ideas on marriage. It’s not really worth worrying about until you meet the person you want to be with for the rest of you life. If you make those decisions in the abstract, you’ll potentially end up making the wrong choices with the wrong people, just so you can achieve your goal. Given this is Liz’s first proper conversation with Matty, she can hardly give him a definite answer.

Anyway, it’s enough to get her booted, and good on her for getting away from this baby-obsessed weirdo. Jen, as you could imagine, is very gracious in victory:

She’s seen this show enough to carefully check that Liz is the only person being sent home, though. She’s also clearly been watching UnREAL also, as she refers to herself as ‘wifey’ material. Girl, at least have the self-awareness to know you’re a villain.

At the cocktail party, Matty pulls Laura aside for a chat in the Secret Garden and we don’t even get to see it, but she comes back with a rose so presumably that’s a reward for a sneaky blow job.

More importantly, the Fourth Wall gets fucked hard as Sian has a meltdown over the fact that Matty hasn’t spent any time with her. She’s in her room muttering to one of the girls ‘I don’t like him. I’m better than him, I’m better than this’ which doesn’t seem like a very good sign. And then most exciting thing that’s ever happened for someone who’s seen UnREAL happens. One of the producers appears onscreen. We all hope she’s the Rachel.
Rachel convinces her that Matty would be bummed if he knew she was upset, so she should go and talk to him (with the cameras on, obviously). Sian tells Matty that it’s definitely not him (‘I don’t like him. I’m better than him’) but she can’t handle the cameras and the process. She’d like to go home. He respectfully accepts her decision and she somehow interprets this as him asking her to stay, and says she wants to stick around, and what will be will be.

She should have just left on her own terms. Matty immediately questions if he should keep her around, given her doubts.

Suddenly it’s rose ceremony time. Sian feels confident since her talk with Matty, which only shows the depths of her delusion. Tara, Sharlene, Leah (this may have been Lisa, can we eliminate one of these similarly-named ladies please?), and Elora are called up to receive a rose. Matty picks up the next rose. And pauses. And puts it back down. TO BE CONTINUED.

Bachie, can we please not start on this bullshit? The Bachelorette US did it incessantly in the latest season (causing many howls of frustration between Tegan, Alex, Rick and I on our Skype calls), and generally pushed the rose ceremonies to the start of episodes. It completely interrupts the natural flow of the program. The climax should always be sending another girl home.

Also, come on show. We know Sian is going home.

Let’s see tomorrow if I’m right.

Published by

Victorian Values

A Romantic Realist

3 thoughts on “The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 5”

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