The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 9

Oh, you thought I was intolerant before? Well try adding illness and a bleeding uterus in to the mix. Fortunately the show didn’t give me too much to get mad about, so the recap isn’t just this:

(I wanted to post more gifs from this scene but I’d actually forgotten how brutal it was? Anyway period jokes are great the end)

Speculation is rife in the house that surely Michelle or Jen are due for a group date? Well, I don’t know about Jen. But Michelle, our lady of the law and general drinking-wine-in-a-go-go-cage goddess, is definitely due for some one-on-one attention! We haven’t had an opportunity to get to know her since her opening stunt of faux-arresting Matty, so all we really know if that’s she very good at commentary, for example telling Jen that she has no soul. Yes! Vote Michelle for the date!

Nah, it’s a group date. Matty invites Jen, Simone, Elise and Cobie on the date (Michelle: ‘I’m starting to think that Matty’s got no clue how to spell ‘Michelle”, preach), where he says he wants to ‘treat them to some home comforts’. Before they can all say ‘holy shit, we can have the internet? I can finally go on social media again?’, they turn up at a mansion to find out they’re going to cook the Bachie some food! Because motherhood tests as per last week aren’t quite enough. There must be wifey tests as well. Anyway Jen is stoked because she very humbly declares herself (repeatedly) the best cook in the house.
Spoiler alert, this is not Jen:


If Jen found this girl she would kill her and bake her in a pie.

Coming along to help with a family recipe will be one of each of the girls’ parents! Everyone starts crying, just in case you ever forget how socially isolated this gang are during the filming process. I can’t imagine what it would be like to go for weeks on end without my Mum replying to my texts with ‘ok’ and consequently wondering what I have done that was so horrible I don’t even get a smiley face emoji.

So, the crew includes Cobie’s Dad (she’s basically his mini-me an is described by Matty as like ‘his sidekick’) and Simone’s Mum (can’t cook for shit, bless her soul). Jen’s Mum is also there, and when she mentions she is tbh shocked and ‘a bit miffed’ that Jen hasn’t had a single date, Jen says a bunch if the girls who have had single dates have been ‘duds’, continuing to be blind to the fact that Matty not spending any sustained one-on-one time with her is the only thing keeping her in the competition.

Turns out Elise’s Dad is a damn good wingman. After Elise expresses her concern that she doesn’t know where she stands with Matty, Phil gently lays down the law his one-on-one chat with the Bachie. Basically he doesn’t want Matty to lead Elise on – whether he’s interested or not, he should let her know.

Can I please borrow Phil for my own romantic dilemmas? Just a little gentle intimidation, that’s the spirit.

Because it does the trick. Despite Jen’s outrage that this isn’t My Kitchen Rules and making the best dessert while putting other people’s food down doesn’t do the trick, Matty picks Elise for the one-on-one at the end of the group date. He makes some noises about while she may have felt like she was falling behind, she got his attention with the fishing gimmick. He gives her a rose and tells her ‘The more I get to know about you, the more time we spend together, the more excited I am’. But the clincher is, they only go in for a cheek kiss. And when we’re talking about Matty, well, a kiss on the cheek is pretty much the kiss of death.


It looks a bit like she might be getting next episode’s single date, however, so it’s nice he might give her a chance to turn it around.

Tell you who Matty loves to pash though? Our Bogan Queen, Tara. On their single date episode, he only stopped thinking of her as a kid when she started talked about how she wanted children. And now, as he turns up on a bloody camel to whisk her away on a single date, he’s describing her as ‘so beautiful inside and out – she’s so caring and so lovely’. Man, sounds almost like someone you’d want to mother your children…if you were in to that sort of thing.

Much like the hand-in-plaster date with Flo, btw, their departure on the camel is another boon for screencappers:

Tara is not a huge fan of this situation

Worried she’ll sexually harrass him again, Tara is apparently not allowed any booze on this date (good to make her get used to sobriety for her pregnancy I guess), and is instead subjected to a variety of Moroccan teas before being terrified by a belly dancer with a snake. ‘Do we have to touch it?’ ‘You’re gonna keep holding that, aren’t you?’ are surprisingly things she does not say to Matty, but the dancer. She and Matty then try learn some belly dancing and it’s as hilarious as any time a white man tries to use his hips. Ah, cultural appropriation is a right laugh.

‘Serious chats’ time mostly involves some pashing, talking about their shared values and how Matty ‘couldn’t help but get really excited’ (down boy) when she started talking about family and kids. Tara seems to have a perfectly healthy self esteem for someone who is absolutely a top chick, but Matty is stuck on the idea that ‘I don’t think Tara knows just how special she is’. Certainly an ego the size of Jen’s is not that appealing, but not every woman is out there waiting to be rescued from her own insecurities. Anyway, I bet you saw this coming – she gets a rose.

It’s cocktail party time! Simone is sitting with Jen (sorry, I thought they hated each other? I can’t keep up) and Michelle. Simone is ‘shitting bricks’, while Jen wants to know if she has been ‘friendzoned’. She overuses this term incredibly in the episode, and it pissed a lot of people off on Twitter, because the phrase has such overtly problematic associations. But I can see how tempting it is for her to use it. When you’re in what is meant to be an explicitly romantic situation, it’s important for you to work out if they’re only looking at you as a friend, because in this context, it’s a bit of a waste of time if they are.

I mean, none of this has really been a waste of time for Jen because she has obviously achieved the notoriety that she wanted going in to it. But anyway, let’s continue with the farce that Jen is here for love. She’s decided to make him some desserts because Matty is a notorious sweet tooth and she is, like, such a fabulous baker. For some dumb-ass reason she cannot stop herself going in with the pass agg though, because that turned out so well for Sharlene. So when she starts saying he better appreciate it, because she spent all day in the kitchen, an eyebrow is raised. Nobody likes a nagging wifey. Then when he is clearly down with the sweets, her expression of relief and happiness is ‘I was bound to impress you eventually’ and he just goes in. He sees that while he’s a fan of the dessert, she thinks he’s not a fan of her.

To him, she says that she’s worried that he misconstrues her confidence and flirtatiousness, which doesn’t really fly with the ‘friendzone’ narrative she’s been creating, but somehow as the manipulator she is, she makes this some great show of vulnerability, which is exactly what Matty’s looking for. Looks like a temporary stay of execution for our only remaining villain.

Our final two at the rose ceremony are Elora and Michelle. Given Matty has had no excuse this episode to see that his attraction to Elora is purely physical, it’s no great surprise to anyone when it’s Michelle that is sent home.

Farewell, sassy ladycop. You deserved better.






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Victorian Values

A Romantic Realist

3 thoughts on “The Bachelor Australia 2017: Episode 9”

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